TW: frank discussion of suicidal ideation
The last few days, possibly even the last couple of weeks, I’ve struggled with a suicidal ideation right around bedtime. I’ve written previously about the fact that mental unwellness creeps up on me at the end of the day while I’m lying in bed. This is just a “new” facet to that.
I’ll be lying in bed, trying to fall asleep, and suddenly all this anxiety will pop up in my brain. Worry about finances, worry about work, fear of taking care of my new pup, unfounded fears about the safety of my children, and so on and so forth. And just for a moment, for a few seconds, my brain is like, “Wouldn’t it just be easier to check out right now instead of doing all these things that scare you? Wouldn’t it just be easier to put a bullet in your brain and be done?” (Fortunately, I don’t own a gun, so that “suggestion” holds no power.)
There’s faulty wiring in my brain that leads to all this. It’s the kind of thing that medication hasn’t been able to entirely erase — and I’m on a lot of medications, all to control my anxiety. For the most part, during the day, I’m sane and stable. I can get through just about any challenge with a minimum of anxiety and pain. It doesn’t eliminate it entirely, but I’m at least functional. It’s just in those moments before sleep where the suicidal ideation creeps up and throttles me. There’s something not quite rational about those few minutes.
I try to fall asleep as quickly as I can most nights because once I’ve slept a little, all the irrational thoughts and fears go away. And once I wake up in the morning, I’m right as rain again. No fears, no worries, just ready for the day ahead.
I don’t know why, exactly, my mind betrays me at night. It’s not for want of medication because I have an array of anxiety meds I take before bed, too. Mostly, I just hunker down and bulldoze my way through the irrational moments, knowing they’re temporary and are, ultimately, meaningless. I wish it worked like that through untreated mental illness. Then, I could get off some of the medications I’m on. But psychopharmacology is what’s keeping me alive. And it helps me get through those moments at bedtime where I become a little less sane.
