So, there are a number of things that have all happened in the last few days that have led to some tumultuous feelings and an overall impact on my mental health.
1. Charlie Kirk’s death and all the subsequent political fallout that it has caused and is continuing to cause. Trump and company using this to escalate tensions against the left and the trans community. What really gets me though is that this is yet another senseless gun death, albeit one that Charlie himself was okay with since it meant protecting his rights. It was still stupid and unnecessary, even as much as I disagreed with almost everything he stood on, the hatred and vindictiveness and division he sowed that caused so much irreparable harm. He was entitled to his opinions, though, however wrong they were, and it was wrong to kill him for those opinions. I’ll circle back to this in a moment because I have a more personal note to add to it.
2. We’ve been prepping for a major inspection the last several weeks at work. That inspection was today, and it has been stressful as fuck leading up to it. Things should calm down there, though, after today, and overall this was still a relatively minor thing for my mental health.
3. This one has both positive and negative aspects, and the negative is all framed from my own stupid, anxious head. I’ve been talking to someone the last few days, and it’s going really well so far. She’s pan and pagan, and I’m afraid I’m already a bit smitten with her. So of course, being the anxious person I am, I’m terrified that it’s going to end up not going anywhere, like so many other conversations I’ve had with potential matches. I’ve been single for a number of years now, and I’ve done a lot of growing and healing during that time. So, I’m ready to let someone in again, someone who I can build a healthy relationship with. I really like this woman. We have a lot in common, and over text at least we vibe really well. It might not go anywhere, but I hope it does, but while we’re still in these very early, getting-to-know-you stages, I’m nervous as hell about every little thing. I’m an overthinker, alright? Sue me.
4. Over the course of the last couple of months, I’ve been experiencing a moderate case of acid reflux. It happens only at night, while I’m lying down asleep, it only happens 3-5 times a week (only??). But it’s like a backwash of acid that flows up my throat, and sometimes into my mouth, that always wakes me up choking, coughing, and gagging. It’s had a degenerative impact on my sleep these past weeks, and I’m fatigued most of the time right now. I’m going to be trying out some new medication to see if it helps, but ultimately, this is case where getting older just doesn’t pay. Apparently, I’m not allowed to eat within a couple of hours of bedtime anymore, which sucks because I’ve always really enjoyed a good midnight snack. Oh, well.
5. Back to Kirk. My brother made a post on Facebook yesterday about the man, exalting his virtues as an outspoken Christian leader and how we need more Charlie’s in the world. I commented on the post, stating how he actually wasn’t a good man, that he was in fact a rather bad man who’s done a lot of harm, and how we shouldn’t be pretending he’s some kind of saint. My brother’s response was expected — it was preachy and patronizing and wrong on almost every level. Among the things said, he declared how sad it is that I’ve “fallen so far from the truth” I was raised under, that I need to repent and get right with God, or face His wrath one day. It was stupid and demeaning and hurtful, and it accentuated my already high anxiety. To the point where I sent screenshots of the exchange to my therapist. But it just served as a reminder why I don’t talk to my family much, especially where it comes to religion and politics. Among my personal growth over the years is the fact that I have become much more progressive than how I grew up. That, of course, basically makes me a liberal where my family is concerned, and it probably doesn’t help that I’m an atheist now (with maybe just a little bit of pagan thrown in there for good measure) instead of the right-wing evangelical Christian I grew up as. I accept all individuals from the LGBT community for who they, actively advocate for their rights, support BLM, feminism and women’s rights (including access to abortion health care), stand against genocide, such as what is happening in Gaza right now, and so on. If any of that means I’ve fallen away from the so-called “truth,” then I don’t want to have anything to do with that truth. There’s a reason why I left the church and faith behind. I realized how hateful, judgmental, and unloving it was, and it saddens me that my own family can’t see how much they still contribute to that awful system.
So, yeah, that’s a little bit about where my head’s been at this last half of the week. Overall, I’m just exhausted from everything, from watching our once-great nation descend into fascism to my physical issues to everything else going on. It’s just… a lot. And I’m over it.
