So, in publishing that thing to my blog yesterday, I kinda suddenly realized shortly after that I don’t really consider myself an atheist anymore. I’ve started to come to think of myself as some kind of spiritual changeling who’s trying to figure out its final form, which can be any fucking thing I want it to be. I’m realizing I have the freedom to be whatever I want, to believe whatever I want, instead of being restricted by the boundaries of my past. Because even as an atheist, I was being somewhat bound by the rules of Christianity because in my non-faith, my non-belief, it was still either faith or atheism. Elohim or no God at all. I’d been thinking of it terms of a binary system, when I didn’t have to be, when the reality is so much bigger than that.
But I can literally go wherever I want. And that’s a weird but liberating place to suddenly find myself in. Which of course is a thing I’ve had all along and just didn’t realize it until now. I mean, I’ve been working toward this understanding for some time. You can see it in the last several things I’ve written on this topic. But the full impact, the clarity of this knowledge, it didn’t really hit me until I put yesterday’s post up. I’d already found more personal freedom in being an atheist, but in finding myself where I am right this minute, I feel like the final set of shackles have fallen off. Breakthroughs are strange sometimes.
So now I’ve been walking around since then with this newfound sense of wonder. I feel like my mind has opened up into a much bigger space — because basically it has. The whole universe of spirituality has opened up to me, and I’m free to go where I like, free to explore in any direction that captures my mind, heart, and interest. My spirituality is no longer confined to the rules of Christianity or not-Christianity. Do I believe in the Christian God? No, not really, and certainly not in the way I was raised. But that doesn’t prohibit me from exploring other gods, other deities, or other entirely different avenues of spirituality as it suits me.
I think this might be the first time in my life I’ve actually had my mind well and truly blown. My partner says I’m in the midst of a significant transformation, and honestly, I can’t argue with their assessment. There’s a lot going on inside of me right now. I’m going to have to sit with this a moment and process it because the implications are enormous for me going forward.
More on this to come.
