Flying down a back county road, the sun on my right but also just ahead because it’s shining through both the passenger window and the top, right corner of the windshield. The light is not quite in my eyes, but it will be the moment I take a turn that puts me more easterly. I glance at the dashboard, and the gauge reads 85mph. So of course, I make my foot just a little bit heavier to push toward 90. It’s not safe, I agree, but I’m beyond caring. It’s morning, and at this very moment, I’m feeling indestructible, something that doesn’t happen very often.
I have things to do today, things to be done, and in the doing, they will further cripple me financially this pay period. But again, I’m beyond caring. They will get done because they need to get done, have needed to get done for some time now, I just haven’t had the resources to do them before today. But in the doing, as ever lately, I have to push off other things that need doing until the next pay period two weeks from now, and sacrifice this thing for that one, or trade those things for these, based on importance and priority. It’s a fucking juggling act, but unlike actual juggling, this is just not that much fun.
So, instead, I enjoy the sun shining on my face (but not quite in my eyes), relish the speed at which I’m traveling, because it won’t last much longer, and pretend none of those things need to happen yet, because they don’t. I have whole minutes before any of them need doing, and I’m going to savor those minutes while I have them.
I do my level best to not think on all the things that have been bothering me. Health, emotions, work, relationships, money, the kids, just every damn thing right now. I’m a worrier, an overthinker, so everything is always running through my mind all the fucking time. I worry, even when I don’t have to. I fear, even when it’s not necessary. I try to block it all out, but rarely am I ever successful. But right now, there’s just the open road, the warmth of sunlight on me, shining in me, through me, over me. I’m not awake at this hour much anymore; the nights take their own specific toll, even as much as I love them. So I’m drinking this in right now, right in this moment, because I’m here, and I’m alive, and for just a hare’s breath (see what I did there?), I’m happy.
I see the stop sign ahead, which means this moment is coming to an end. I take a deep breath, release it, then another, and release that one, too. This moment has lived its life, and it’s time to trade it for the next. I’ll hang onto this moment, this feeling, for as long as possible today, which won’t be nearly long enough, but it’ll get me through. It has to.
