I’ve been an atheist for probably 15 or more years now. Quietly. Secretly. Covertly. For most of that time, I kept quiet about my unbelief because I was still immersed in a Christian culture. I was married to a Christian woman. We went to church every Sunday. My entire family, both immediate and extended, is Christian, and conservative, and evangelical. I was terrified for most of that time about what any or all of them would say if I admitted out loud that I was no longer a Christian, that I no longer believed in the god of the Bible, that rationality, reason, and science had replaced blind faith in my life. It took me a long time to find the courage to finally say, out loud and with confidence, that I was an atheist, a non-believer — at least in that god, that belief system that I was raised under, that system of dogma and theology and constraint. I was hesitant to say to them that I was happier and more relaxed and freer as a non-believer than I ever was as a Christian.
Until about a year ago. I ended up “outing” myself in a comment on one of my Facebook posts, and somehow that particular comment hit the algorithm, and a lot of the people on my friends list, including a sizable chunk of my family, saw it and reacted to it and commented on it. I fully expected to write an actual post about being an atheist at some point. Never did I anticipate that a comment would get more visibility and more traction than my regular main content.
Go figure.
But I embraced my secret finally being revealed and, in so doing, realized it was a huge weight lifted off of me. I’ve been able to be more free and open about what I truly believe (or don’t believe, which is probably more accurate). I’ve been able to have discussions more openly, conversations that I previously hid in private messages or on discussion forums under a username that I still mostly keep to myself. I’ve been able to be a proponent of rationality and reason in a way I couldn’t fully do before, and I have found a great deal of joy and satisfaction in it.
At some point I might detail the process of my deconstruction and deconversion, but it’s going to wait for now. Suffice to say that it was a very long, very complex process that happened over the course of a decade or so. It was something I fought hard against happening because it had been such a huge part of my identity and life. I never wanted to lose my faith. But indeed, it happened very much against my own desires.
Several friends have encouraged me to write a book about it, and that might be what it takes to get it all down on paper. Which is why it’s not something I’m going to do right now. Right now, I want to write about where I am right now, how it affects my life right now, where I might be headed, and so on. There is a lot left unwritten in my future, and I’m exploring things now to start writing some of those pages of my life going forward.
I’ll have more to say on this topic very soon. If you want to keep up with things, I highly encourage you to subscribe to my site so that you get updates sent directly to your email. I can’t promise frequent updates. My ability to focus on writing and other creative outlets has taken a major hit this last year. But I have thoughts and ideas, and I’m already making notes to myself for future content.
Oh, and if you want to support my writing, please consider chipping in a couple of bucks to my Ko-fi. That would actually be an excellent incentive for me to write more.
