Several years ago, I was a fairly prolific writer. Long thoughts, short thoughts, essays and articles and stories. All came pouring out from my fingertips almost in a flood. There was some ebb and flow, of course, but overall I was pretty consistent in my output. I would write, people would read, some would even comment. I felt connected to my audience and connected to myself. I knew who I was, or at least thought I did.
But in the last several years, my writing has dwindled down to barely a trickle. I go months between posts, wanting so badly to put words to paper but finding myself utterly unable to do so. My mental health has declined. So, too, has my sense of connection, both with others and with myself. I’ve lost some sense of my identity, and that has left me bereft of words.
I want to write. I want to do a lot of things I haven’t done much of in recent years. But when you are disconnected, when you’ve lost your sense of identity, doing things feels almost pointless, without meaning. I’m struggling to live again. I’m fighting to find my identity, my purpose, my meaning. I’m trying to reconnect with the world and with myself, but it’s not an easy road to walk. Sometimes there is no road, just a rocky path that may or may not be going the direction you want to head. My mental health is a continual barrier to connection, and it threatens daily to suffocate me beneath a layer of anxiety and depression.
I can fight. I have to, if only for my kids. But I’d like to start fighting for myself, too. I’d like to reconnect with myself, with my identity, and begin to thrive once again. It’s been so long since I’ve felt like I’ve really thrived, and I’d like to know what that feels like again.
Hey uh. That’s rough, man. I hope things look up for you. I haven’t known the alienation you have, not even half I’m sure, and even then it’s a struggle.
I’d like to say that it’s just the brain chemistry talking and things will look up, but things are really tough all over, or at least that’s how it looks like in the news. I don’t blame you for feeling powerless.
Not to sound insensitive, but I gotta ask… are you the same stitzelj that made an account on Loremaster dot org back in 2009-2010? I am combing the wreckage for anyone who might have kept a copy of the old interactive interviews on the website. Looking for Ed Greenwood in particular. Odds are long, but hey.
I woulda pinged you on twitter but it looked like you were done with it. If yer serious about mental health, that’s prolly a good choice on yer part.
Wishing you the best.
It’s partly the brain chemistry talking, sure, but it also has a lot of circumstantial parts to it, too. I went through a crisis a few years ago where I lost almost everything that mattered to me, and as a result, I lost a lot of my identity. I’m still building that back. And I haven’t been working at it as much as I should. Instead, I’ve been floundering in a sea of helplessness that’s been overpowering. I’ll get there, I think. I just have to push through the pain and the fear and the emptiness. It’s not easy, but it’s worth doing.
And yes, I’m the same stitzelj. Pretty much if you search the web for that username, what you’ll find is me. I’m afraid I can’t help you in your search, though. I hope you’re able to find what you’re looking for.
I stopped using Twitter years ago. It just became too toxic for me. And now, of course, with everything else that’s gone on since Elon took over, it’s become even more so.
Thanks for the well wishes. I appreciate it.