I’m sitting here, cup of coffee in hand — slowly cooling — Christmas music playing in the background on my Alexa Echo device. My kids are playing Minecraft, begging for my attention every few minutes to show me something new they’ve built or some new thing their characters can do in the game. And here I am trying to get into the Christmas spirit, mostly failing.
It’s been years since I’ve been able to enjoy the holidays. My mental health has always played a significant role in my ability to relax enough to look forward to Christmas. And the last handful of years, financial concerns have continued to plague my enjoyment of the season. I wish I could say that my life is closer to getting back into order, that I’m getting back on my feet. But mostly, I feel like I’m on my hands and knees, crawling through a cold, muddy slog trying to attain that ever out of reach summit where things are sunny and warm.
Part of me keeps trying to remind myself that I should just enjoy the season, to live in the moment and let tomorrow worry about itself. But the realistic part of me can’t do that. I look and all I see is trouble and care and concern, and I don’t know what to do about it. They say that if you work hard and do your best, everything will work out. But the reality is that you can work hard and give it your all and still end up behind the 8-ball consistently. Just because you do everything right doesn’t mean you’re guaranteed a happy outcome.
And that’s part of why I struggle to enjoy the holidays. There’s always this spectre of trouble looming over me, a sword of Damocles, so to speak. All that’s waiting for the blade to drop is one small thing to break the thread holding back disaster.
I want to enjoy the holidays. I really do. But I can’t. There’s just too much care and worry in my life to fully relax. I can only hope that one day things will change for the better. In the meantime, it’s one foot in front of the other because I won’t give up. I can’t. My kids are a huge reason for that. I’ve also come too far to just give up now, even if I really want to. The fight continues, and my story is far from complete.
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