Every day this week has been a battle. The panic I feel inside has been progressive, starting with mild anxiety on Monday and progressing steadily toward a panic attack that lasted all afternoon and into the evening Thursday. It’s a battle with no winners, only a worsening sense of loss — loss of control, loss of resolve, loss of sanity. It’s also a battle with no cause, no reason for existence. It’s simply a place where you live that has no answers, only questions, questions as to why I must exist this way and questions of how long this will last.
Sleep is little comfort, too. Either I am restless all night, waking up every hour or two to readjust my position because I can never get comfortable. Or else I am having deeply intense nightmares from which I awake shaking and trembling, a cold sweat on my brow. I can neither escape nor hide from my anxiety, even in sleep, for my anxiety chases me even to those dark recesses of my mind.
I fight daily to maintain my sanity, with varying results. Some days I can muddle through, somewhat productively if not happily. Other days I am crippled to a point where I simply can’t even get out of bed. And there is a continuum in between where things are slightly better or worse but never without anxiety completely. It’s frustrating, terrifying, and infuriating. Most of the time I want nothing more than to hide away and escape, but life doesn’t stop just because I am crippled and disabled. And so I fight through my pain and panic and fear with the hopes of continuing to be productive enough to earn the meager living that keeps me from being homeless.
And every day I hope and pray that things get better, that the struggle lessens to a degree that allows me to function. The only hope I have is that my mind will settle enough to allow me to be productive, but it is a hope without basis for I continue to struggle and ache with the pain of crippling panic. I wish it were otherwise. I wish I was healthy. I wish I was better than I am. But I am not. And this is a reality that I have to face on a daily basis.
