To say that 2020 has been a challenging year would be an understatement of epic proportions. The rise of COVID-19 has turned the year into one that no one is likely to forget anytime soon. It has upset the status quo of the entire world and left so many of us bereft of the sense of normalcy that we are accustomed to. And for those us with mental health disorders, it has made living life that much more difficult.
It’s been some time since I last wrote anything of consequence. I have been in survival mode since this pandemic started, hunkered down inside my own pysche, trying to hold onto sanity and dignity alike, usually failing, only occasionally succeeding. I am troubled and heartsick, like many others of us, but the lack of any sort of normal routine has exacerbated an already taxed sense of anxiety. I have struggled to find my vertical and have, as often as not, found myself sequestered to my bed, hoping to sleep my way through as much of this crisis as possible.
I haven’t wanted to write, have struggled to even find the words to express what I am feeling, both to myself and to others, as well. And so it has been months since I have written. My anxiety has frequently turned into panic, with consequences to match.
In May I lost a cushy web development job due, in part, to a need for a change in my sleep medication but again exacerbated by COVID. I found myself exhausted on the daily, which itself heightened my anxiety and fear, which affected my work performance, which cost me my job. Since then I have bounced from job to job to job, hoping to find something that pays a living wage, looking for something that won’t overly tax my bad back and cause me pain, which, in turn, causes my anxiety to rise. It’s a vicious cycle of bad elements that have, to put it mildly, made this year an exceptionally challenging one.
I’ve looked for other web development jobs, but those are few and far between these days. Many companies are either on a hiring freeze or have had their budgets so affected by COVID that they can’t afford to hire someone with my skill set. And I can’t particularly blame them. So many businesses were shut down for so long this year that it has a significant impact on their bottom line. Add to that the fact that many of those same businesses are still working remotely that you end up with a recipe for job scarcity. And that increases my own sense of anxiety and hopelessness.
I have been hopping from one job to another this summer, looking for solid footing and way to make financial ends meet. It has been exceedingly difficult, and there is rarely a day that goes by where where I am not affected by a sense of helplessness at my current state of affairs. I miss the normalcy we all had before the rise of COVID, as so many others do, but it’s worse for those of us with anxiety disorders because routine is what we thrive on to keep panic at bay. And there has been dearth of routine these past few months.
I can only hope and pray that things improve soon, that businesses start getting back to hiring, particularly people with my skills, and that work in which I thrive will be forthcoming. 2020 has been a difficult year, one of the hardest by far in recent memory. I’d like to think that 2021 will be a better year, finding us back something akin to normal, but I have no assurance of that.
So keep those of us with mental illness in mind as you go about your day. Say a prayer for us if you will. And if you get a chance, send us a note or message of encouragement. Because I guarantee you we’re struggling more than you know, and any positive vibes you can send our way is most welcome.
