Initially, he scared me when I told him how I was feeling. He said he wanted to keep me on all my old meds. I had come into this appointment certain that my antidepressant was going to need to be swapped out. So when he said no changes, I very nearly panicked. How am I supposed to feel better? was my initial thought. But then he quickly followed up by saying, “I want to make two changes.” And he had my attention again.
The first change he suggested was doubling the dose of my Lamictal from 100mg to 200mg. I’ve been on Lamictal for a year now as a mood stabilizer for my anxiety, and it’s done wonders to tamp that down. Doubling the dose has, I think, helped even further. And I only question that because of the next change.
“I also want to put you on Abilify,” he added. “Half a pill should do it to start out.” I’d heard of Abilify. You can’t watch TV these days and not hear about it. I also have friends who have taken it. Overall, I’ve heard good things about the drug, and my doctor affirmed that there have been good results when adding Abilify to an already-existing regimen of antidepressants.
So after my appointment, I went to the pharmacy to pick up my medications and refills. The pharmacy tech that helped me showed me what a 5mg tablet of Abilify looks like — and it’s tiny. “He wants me to cut that in half,” I said. I couldn’t keep the disbelief out of my voice. Neither could the pharmacy tech.
“Really! I’ve never heard of that,” she said.
“Do you sell pill cutters?” I asked her. There was no way I was going to try cutting that in half with even a decently sharp blade from home, and I said as much. They did sell pill cutters, of course, and I bought one. But I didn’t use it. Not at first.
The following morning was my first dose of Abilify. I gathered up all my morning medications, and I couldn’t help looking at that tiny pill again. He really wants me to cut that in half? I thought again. Screw it. I’ve got a 30-day supply. I see him again in two weeks. I’m just going to take the full dose. And for the last ten days, that’s exactly what I’ve done.
And it worked! The Abilify did exactly what it was supposed to do — it banished my depression back to the dark pits where it belongs and freed me from its chains once more. But there has been a side effect. I suddenly have a ton of energy now and nowhere to direct it. I’m antsy, restless, all the time. My sleep rhythm has become all messed up again because I can’t sleep longer than three or four hours at a stretch, and even when it does come time to sleep, I don’t want to.
Today, I decided to experiment. I actually cut that tiny little pill in half, effectively taking only 2.5mg instead of the usual five. And wouldn’t you know it, I’ve been more blue and depressed than I have been since seeing my doctor. Just that little change in my medication made enough of a difference to notice almost immediately. Mind you, I don’t have the antsy, restless feeling so much today, but I would rather have that than even the slightest sensation of depression. So, in following my doctor’s directions, even when I was pretty sure I would be handicapping myself in doing so, I effectively proved that I need to take the full 5mg dose.
That’s something I’m going to mention at our next appointment next week.
