From the moment I was hospitalized in 2016 with severe depression and suicidal ideation, when my marriage, my employment, and essentially the entirety of my life crumbled in a burning pile of ash, until my arrest this past May, I had lived with family. I spent the first four months after the hospital living with my sister, then the next 20 months living with my parents. My arrest changed everything — and rightly so.
But this was not a bad thing.
A Change in Living Conditions
The first few weeks after being released on bond were difficult, instructive, and strangely empowering. Spending a week in jail was exactly the thing I needed to light a fire under my feet. It galvanized me. I was determined to never allow a situation like that to happen again.
Once of the very first changes I made, both by force and by my own choice, was moving out of my parents’ home. The next ten days were spent living with a friend while I worked with a fever pitch to rearrange nearly every aspect of my life. It was something I should have done long ago, and I’m sorry to say that it took such a traumatic event of my own making to get it done.
I moved from Colfax to Frankfort and was forced to borrow from myself, robbing from my own retirement funds to finance both the purchase of a new vehicle (since I had totaled my previous car in a snowstorm in March) and to lease an apartment. This was the first time I would be living completely on my own, alone, and it was both exciting and scary to me. At the same time, it was liberating, and in the months since, I can happily say that it has been a wonderful and much needed change in my life. I love my apartment, I love having my own space, and it has had a tremendous effect on improving my relationship with my kids.
Learning to Be a Single Dad
Up to this point, I had never had the opportunity to properly be a father to my kids. Prior to going into the hospital, my depression had become increasingly severe, inhibiting my ability to give my kids the attention they needed from me. After the hospital all my time had been spent with my kids under the constant monitoring and supervision of other people. It’s hard to parent (or co-parent) properly when there are distractions, interruptions, and interventions coming from other sources. My kids needed my full attention, and because I was still in recovery while also being unable to be alone with my kids, the three of us weren’t able to interact with one another on a level that we all needed.
That all changed once I had my own apartment. Slowly but surely, over the remaining months of 2018, I had more and more time with just myself and the kids. I learned how to be better father to them, and the three of us have formed a stronger bond than we’ve ever had. They love to come visit me on their scheduled evenings and weekends, and I love having them here. We’ve been able to do more things together, and I’ve begun to hone in on what it takes to be their dad, to guide them, encourage them, discipline them, and teach them. We have our fair share of difficult days. They’re kids, after all, and we’re all human. But we also have plenty of good days together, and when the time comes for them to go back home to their mother, they’re almost always reluctant to leave. Without the catalyst of my screw-up in May, we wouldn’t have had this opportunity to grow as a family.
Pinching Pennies Until They Bleed
While there was much that made 2018 one of the best years I can remember, the hardest thing I’ve had to deal with is finances. Being self-employed is, in so many ways, a dream come true. But it’s not without certain difficulties and hardships. Growing a business from scratch takes times. There’s a learning curve involved. And it takes time to build up a clientele. I’ve been fortunate to have just enough work to scrape by each month, but each month it’s scary and uncertain as to how I’m going to pay the next month’s bills.
One thing I’ve had to learn how to do is be humble enough to ask for help when I need it. I’m grateful for the family and friends who have, on occasion, provided a little cash here and there to help me out of a bind. But there have been plenty of moments of pure terror and panic as bills come due and I find there’s no money with which to pay them. God has always provided, though, and I’ve had just enough on which to get by. I’ve always loathed managing money. I hate the necessity of it. But it is how the world runs, and I’m slowly — oh, so slowly — learning how to budget better and plan ahead with greater efficiency.
It didn’t help that business all but dried up in October through the remainder of the year. As it turns out, Q4 has a tendency to slow down for web design work. Businesses reach the end of their budget cycles for the year and so become reluctant to start new projects. This is something I know now and can plan for in 2019. The goal this year is to try to front-load projects into Q1-3 so that if Q4 ends up being a dry spell again, I will hopefully have a nest egg already built up to draw from.
I’m also not too proud to admit that I’m on SNAP right now. My income has been so low that the SNAP program is the only way I’ve been able to continue to eat — and to allow my kids to eat when they’re with me. I’m grateful the program exists, but I also can’t wait until I don’t need it anymore. My primary goal for 2019 is to become fully self-sufficient and self-sustaining, both personally and professionally.
Wrapping Things Up
Overall, 2018 was a tremendous year of growth for me. I started the year with a specific set of goals in place, and I’m happy to report that I completed every single one of them. I am sorry that it took an arrest to get me started on that path, but I’m not sorry at the outcome. It just proves that something horrible can be used by God for the greater good.
I have new goals now for 2019. Big goals. Big dreams. And I plan to knock each and every one of them out of the park by the time 2020 rolls around. I’ve learned the value of stepping outside of your comfort zone because that’s the only way things happen. You have to be willing to push boundaries, extend your limits, and exceed your own expectations for yourself. It involves work, determination, and grit. And yes, there are plenty of days where I fall down and don’t complete the goals I set for that day. But the important thing is to always stand back up, dust off, and forge ahead. Because I can assure you that nothing worth doing comes easy. You have to earn the things you have, work hard for them, and never give up even when you want to.
This year is going to be big. I know this because I’m going to make it big. I have dreams, unachievable ones, and I’m going to make them happen anyway.
And as always, I’ll document my progress here. Because if I can do big things with my life, anyone can. Here’s to a terrific year — for me, for you, for everyone!
