It creeps up on me every year, and every year you’d think I’d be prepared for it. But I’m not. I always forget, even though there’s always part of my mind that is preparing for it, expecting it. I always dread the winter months, the cold weather, the short days. I know that at some point my Seasonal Affective Disorder is going to kick in, and for some reason I always expect it to wait until January. But it almost never does.
Instead, it slams me sometime in December, sometimes even as early as November. And by ‘slam’ I really mean ‘creeps up slowly and stealthily so I don’t recognize it for what it is.’ Depression as a rule is like that. It hits you hard, like a hammer to the stomach, but it does it in a way that you don’t realize it’s there, let alone what it’s doing, until you’re already well into the pain of it.
People have suggested to me for years that I try out light therapy because my seasonal depression is the one kind of depression that even my medications don’t seem to manage. So this past winter, I finally caved and ordered a therapy lamp, and for the remainder of the winter used it every day religiously.
And it made a difference! I was skeptical, to be honest. That skepticism is part of why I hadn’t tried light therapy sooner. I honestly didn’t see how sitting in front of a light for an hour a day could possibly make a difference in my demeanor and affect. And yet it did.
This “winter” season, my seasonal depression once again took me by surprise. For the last several weeks I’ve been more despondent, most emotional than is normal. And yet, it took me three or four weeks to recognize what was going on. I had been attributing my change in mood to exhaustion due to not sleeping well at night and to general life circumstances that have been troubling though by no means debilitating.
I’ve spent a significant amount of time this year taking greater control over my life. I’ve devoted hours and hours of time to identifying flaws and shortcomings in my character and lifestyle that have led to some of the difficult experiences I’ve had over the last few years. As a result, I’ve become fairly adept at spotting specific things that threaten to wear me and dealing with them quickly before they can. Which is, I think, also part of why it took me longer than usual to figure out what was happening with me. I knew of several situations in my life currently that have been stressful, including the erratic sleep patterns I’ve had. So it made sense to me that I might be having trouble coping with them.
I don’t recall what the exact catalyst was for my epiphany three days ago. But something in my brain suddenly clicked into place, and I realized my depression and anxiety had become more acute, at its root, because of the short days. I also realized that I should have started in on my light therapy in mid-November, at the latest, before the seasonal depression could fully wiggle its way into my brain again. Note to self for next year.
So yesterday morning was the first of my light therapy sessions for this season. Today was my second. And in just one session, I could already see a marked difference in my mood. I immediately felt better mentally, my overall mood improved, and I found I had more of the energy I’ve become accustomed to in the last several months.
This is a required part of my personal self-care every year. I need to do this from November all the way through March in order to keep my mind and emotions intact. I also know that there are thousands of other people like me who suffer through the winter months with seasonal depression every year. I highly recommend purchasing a therapy lamp. They’re well-worth the cost, and they make these dark, dreary days much easier to bear. The key is awareness and consistency. There’s no reason why Seasonal Affective Disorder needs to run rampant over any of us this time of year, not when we have the tools available to push it back and keep it at bay.