Tag Archives: humor

Eye of Newt

The black cauldron sat in the middle of the room and hissed menacingly as the green sludge within burbled and glurped.  The stench emanating from the vile brew was overwhelming, nauseating in its potency, but the witch standing over it seemed not to notice.

“Leg of lizard.  Tail of salamander.  African bat guano.”

The bubbling mix sizzled and sparked with every ingredient added.

“Dash of pixie dust.  Cloven goat’s hoof.  Heart of newborn lamb.”

She read from the page she had copied from the ancient tome.  The print had been terribly faded, the language archaic, but from it had come a form of magic that others would kill to acquire from her, if only they had known of it.

“Stir clockwise for three minutes, six turns per minute.”

Her arm ached by the time she was done dragging the mixing rod through the thickening glop, but past experience proved that her discomfort now would be worth it once she was done.

The final ingredient was eye of newt.  This she dutifully added, expecting that the formula would transform into its usual bright blue color, indicating that she had done everything perfectly and that the potion was ready.  Instead, it puffed a cloud of acrid smoke, causing the witch to cough and gag.

When the air finally cleared, she looked to find that her precious Vanity Potion, her secret to ultimate beauty, had turned black and smelled strongly of charcoal.  She cursed quietly and then sighed in resignation.

“Oh, well.  I guess I shall have to start again.” The witch-turned-prom-queen whirled to face the young man – her date – that she had tied to a chair behind her.  His head lolled to one side, revealing a red socket where his left eye used to be.  “I’m sorry, Newton, dear.  I confess I was careless with your gift.” She raised a short dagger and took a step toward him.  “I’m afraid that I have need of your other eye.”

Dragonfly

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SEARCH ‘DRAGONFLY’
AGGREGATION BEGINS IN 3… 2… 1…
ACCESSING NEWSNET
COLLATING FEEDS

NeuroSoft Corp Releases New Gaming Console
New Chicago, Robaxian (AIP) – Interplanetary neuroware giant NeuroSoft Corp announced earlier today the release of their newest gaming console, dubbed the Dragonfly Entertainment System.  The Dragonfly features state-of-the-art hardware, allowing it to achieve unprecedented graphic display and processing speeds.

“We’re very excited about Dragonfly,” stated Mark Bradley, founder and CEO of NeuroSoft, in his announcement to the Twelve Worlds earlier today.  “This console is going to revolutionize the way people play games.”

The Dragonfly is the smallest gaming console to date.  Measuring less than 1cm across and just 3mm thick, it is easily the most compact gaming entertainment system ever built.  But perhaps what makes the Dragonfly so special is its ability to plug directly into NeuroSoft’s standard neural wetware modules.  Simply slide the console into the wetware port, and a whole world of gaming opens up to the user.

Dragonfly designer and project chair Michael Pickerell tells what his favorite feature of the revolutionary gaming system is.  “Try the full-screen mode.  But make sure you’re sitting down first.  Most optical displays these days use only one corner of the visual output field, and even that has a minimum level of opacity.  Can’t have people bumping into each other or smashing their gliders just because they can’t see, right?  Well, Dragonfly was designed to provide a total immersion experience for the gamer.  You can option for the full-screen at a zero percent opacity and experience the game the way it was meant to be.  It’s just like actually being there.”

Already NeuroSoft has seen huge success in their sales…

BrainWaves Podcast
Episode 413
”…scare in the gaming world.  Today, in City Heights, Paradigm, professional gamer Darian Rice collapsed during an MLG tournament…”

UNN News Ticker
NEURAL SOFTWARE GIANT NEUROSOFT FORCED BY NMHA TO RECALL ALL DRAGONFLY GAMING CONSOLE UNITS PENDING AN INVESTIGATION

Channel 9 News
“If you play video games on the Dragonfly Entertainment System, the latest in gaming technology from NeuroSoft Corp, you just may be taking your life in your own hands.  What started as an interplanetary phenomenon has turned into an addictive and potentially lethal pastime.  Medical reports issued by the Neurological & Mental Health Agency describe frightening side effects from prolonged use of the gaming console, including serious addiction and, in many cases, death…”

TWBS Special Report
Interview with neuropsychology expert Professor Doug Addams, Ph.D.
”…what seems to be happening is that the player often experiences high levels of stress as his character takes damage.  In some cases, the player’s mind is no longer able to make a distinction between fantasy and reality.  It thinks that the player’s body is actually dead or dying and starts shutting down vital systems.  Either that or the player experiences so much anxiety that he has a heart attack…”

UNN News Ticker
NEUROSOFT EXPERIENCED FURTHER FINANCIAL HARDSHIP IN THE STOCK MARKET TODAY AS STOCK VALUES PLUMMETED FURTHER…

Live News Conference – Pandemon, Darkfall
“We’re very pleased about the merger of the two companies.  I think NeuroSoft had the right idea with Dragonfly, but unfortunately insufficient testing and court settlements were enough to bring the company to a hard place.  We’re only all too happy to step in and help out.  NeuroSoft’s mission to provide only the best neuroware to every city in the system has not died here.  Quite the opposite, in fact.  If anything, its mission has been reborn today, and we will continue to provide only the best and state-of-the-art neuro- and wetware possible.  That’s Microsoft’s pledge.”

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Originally posted at Flashes of Speculation.

Dilbert: Teamwork?

I’ve had this Dilbert strip hanging up on my cubicle wall for the last three years. I’m a huge introvert, and I usually prefer to get through my day with as little human contact as possible. It’s nothing against my friends, family, and co-workers. It’s just that the very definition of ‘introvert’ is that we acquire energy from quiet and solitude. So, when I saw this comic, I had to print it and hang it up. It amuses me because it’s such a perfect depiction of how I often approach my mornings.

Dilbert.com